Solving conflicts, addressing emotions directly: understanding other people


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Text comes from: Der Abschied von der Sachlichkeit: Wie Sie mit Emotionen tatsächlich für Bewegung sorgen (2015) of Markus Hornung, published by BusinessVillage Verlag, Reprints by friendly permission of the publisher.
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How do you manage to give the emitter the perfect - and sincere - impression in conversations and conflicts that you actually understood him completely? values-emotions-values

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Markus Hornung HornungMarkus Hornung is a consultant and speaker on the subject of emotional intelligence.

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Emotions point to values

For example, if you experience that your eldest son is in the hair with his younger sister because she constantly comes into his room and bothers him, it is easy to say something like: "I can understand well that you're angry. You just want to be left alone. ”

And if the little one comes to you relatively unsettled for a while because he told her that he would not take her to the playground in the afternoon, you can acknowledge her emotion by saying: “You are worried because you are spending the afternoon don't want to spend alone in the apartment. ”

Respect other people's values

In this second situation, you also notice that it is not absolutely necessary to name the value explicitly as a separate term. It is sufficient to understand the subconscious mind in the head of the other by means of a description of what it is.

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Therefore, you should remember as a to-do when dealing with the emotions of others: pay attention to the values ​​of your fellow human beings.

3 Steps in dealing with emotions of your fellow human beings

  1. Step one was to give the emotion space and to perceive it at all.
  2. Step two consisted in the direct response of the emotion.
  3. Really elegant and almost final, you convey to your opponent that you have understood him and that you understand what he is talking about when you address the level of his emotions. This is the value level.

Why are values ​​important?

If you manage to address the values ​​behind your emotions, your subconscious mind is, so to speak, the last proof that you have actually and finally understood what it is all about.

Then he turns off the part of the emotion sent as a signal. Then - and only then - does it become factual.

How do you figure out the values?

Now, for several reasons, the question is not at all trivial about how you can find out what is important to you.

The question is not trivial, because in 90 percent of all cases your counterpart has no awareness of their value system, that is, they only have a particularly nebulous “knowledge” or at most an idea of ​​what is actually important to them. In most cases, asking questions does not help.

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Just as seldom, your opponent will automatically come up with the idea to help you jump through the value system. It does not generally have the knowledge of the link between values ​​and emotions.

Why are you so upset?

Of course, you could give him the value work you have already done and ask him to fill it in for the current context, that is, the situation in which you both are.

Although this is fundamentally conceivable, it should not be practical. You can also give him a book on the subject. Then you will have to wait a few days before saying "Now I can give you a tip why I got so excited!" comes to you and you can then understand that.

Find information about the value system

We must therefore think different ways of discovering the value system of another.

It is helpful that you now know the relationship between values ​​and emotions, and thus, at the sight of an emotional person, get ideas for why it is so emotional much faster.

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Especially when you have seen how the emotion came about, it is relatively easy to establish and reflect the immediate connection between the value system and the emotion.

The search for the exact term

Although I myself like to go to the search for the exact term, because I believe that then the realization has been understood, in comparison to a bit more, but it also works very well with circumscriptions.

In order to convey the second approach, with which we can find out the values ​​of others, I have to go back a little bit: We all enjoyed German lessons at school and there performed various characterizations of individual figures of classic poetry and poetry (“Characterize the Wallenstein / den Faust / den Franz Moor /… ”).

What was Wallenstein's value system?

Nevertheless, one of the central linguistically ascertainable and analyzable questions about dealing with other people apparently passed us by without a trace. At least I don't remember ever having studied it in German classes. This question is: "What is important to my counterpart at the moment?" or "What does he or she value?"

Do you feel that the question "What is important to the Wallenstein?" is much more exciting and opens up a much more emotional approach than the work instruction "Characterize the Wallenstein and its contradictory attitude on the battlefield with a view to fulfilling its dramaturgical role"?

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Language transports values

If we make it clear that one of the main purposes of language is to convey our value system, our values, it also means that if we listen properly, we can find out what the other's values ​​indicate.

To do this, we have to use an analytical question that at first glance seems banal and unusual for most people, but at second glance opens up a whole new universe of linguistic understanding. This crucial question, which I would particularly like to recommend to you, is: "What is important to someone who said the words I just heard?"

Watch closely

Watch yourself and others carefully in the near future when speaking. You will - with the others you will notice it beforehand! - With a little luck, catch yourself how often this cursed little "but" slips out of you.

If you've noticed this for the first time, it's not that difficult to replace it with an “and” or a period next time, followed by a new sentence. It is not that easy to pay attention to at the beginning and you will see: once you get used to it, it feels really good. In any case, the effect is small and fine!

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