The solution is obvious?
Many people hear and read many annual seminars and books on the subject of communication and communication rhetoric, But very few notice that many of these sources neglect the strategic aspects of communication. This skill gap is as unnecessary as it is easy to conclude: do not change your spoken words, but your strategic schemata.
For example, the mother who measures her six-year-old: “Your little sister howls! Don't be so rude to her! ” She cries again ten minutes later. Because the boy is “difficult to educate”? No.
Which scheme do you use?
The mother uses - quite unconsciously and unfortunately also unreflected - a self-sabotage scheme, the so-called deficit scheme, which means: "I am only addressing the grievance - you have to come up with the solution yourself, because it is obvious!"
It is not and never is. Even if it were: No six-year-old, no 16-year-old and no 36-year-old can do it on their own. This is why many parents, teachers, trainers or superiors complain: "I always have to say everything a hundred times!" Yes, if you communicate with the deficit scheme. Ergo: Get off the killer schemes!
Change your schemas!
The more effective scheme is the solution scheme: not only accuse the deficit, but explicitly talk about the solution! There are several schemes for this, for example the dirigistic one: “Don't just take the toys away from the little ones. Give her another one and she'll be busy! ”
However, since dirigism often triggers resistance, interactive, activating coaching behavior is more elegant: “Okay, she plays with your toy and you don't like that. How could you fix it so that you two are happy? ”
Devaluation is the most common scheme
Nice side effect: After half a year of use, your children (employees, customers, relationship partners, supervisors ...) educate themselves in large parts. By the way, what is the most common scheme?
You guessed it: devaluation. "What the fuck! Make an effort! ” More than half of everyday communication is ex- or implicitly derogatory, know-it-all, directive, self-centered. Anyone who replaces this cultural schema with appreciative ones not only achieves more, but also appears friendly, for example: “I think you can do that better. Try again!"
Scheme is culture
Thus does no man speak? That's almost true. In our culture, only a very few speak. Significantly, this is also the most successful and at the same time particularly sympathetic, the great communicators, the Dalai Lama.
The coaching experience shows that one can learn this in a few weeks, afterwards to enjoy the fruits of strategic communication: faster, easier, more success - and much higher sympathy values.
Fill your toolbox!
“It was the spontaneous speeches that took me the most time to prepare,” Mark Twain once said. Means: What often seems accidental, unintentional or quick-witted to others is often carefully planned.
This requires many communicative tools in the first step ("Anyone who only knows the hammer, every problem looks like a nail for him") and in the second step the practice and certainty of reaching for the appropriate tool and then being able to use it well . If you have never had a (communicative) chainsaw in your hand, you will have a hard time using it, just as throwing (communicative) cotton balls requires practice so that they hit their target.
My 5 recommendations:
- Collect. Load tool too!
- Practice dealing with it.
- Leave everything in the toolbox what they have gathered so far.
- Check the sorting. What's up in the front? Should you resort?
- Maintain your tool. If you do not use it for years, it will rust.
Have fun collecting and practicing!
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