Assert yourself and stay nice: sovereignty as squaring the circle?

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Can you prevail and still stay nice? And what actually does real sovereignty out? A topic that also concerns our female readership - but not only. 2 X 3 tips.

Assert yourself and stay nice: sovereignty as squaring the circle?

Here writes for you:


Simone Janson Simone JansonSimone Janson is publisherConsultant and head of the Institute's job pictures Yourweb.


Clear, unambiguous communication: What are the advantages?

Some time ago I got up Best of HR –® called to rethink and question personal communication. My opinion was that the fact that we often do not say what we mean clearly enough creates misunderstandings, conflicts - and we lose valuable time. The misery is due to wrong beliefs, social expectations and “plasticizers”, which we often incorporate unconsciously when speaking. Our reader Elena contradicted this in a comment. She writes:

“I say that I often communicate very clearly. Firstly, because that really helps more, maybe also because of my character. Result: I am perceived as bossy, arrogant and undiplomatic. Maybe someone opposite (male and female) is just too much bothered when a woman acts like this instead of 'decorating' her sentences with lovely smiles, nice phrases and eyes. ”

Nice but determined

A topic that I've been thinking about myself since a friend told me that you have to be nice but determined. Stay nice and polite, but still prevail - can such a squaring of the circle succeed at all?

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At first I am tempted to reject it like Elena. If you want something from someone else who does not want it, this inevitably creates the negative feelings described by Elena. Or not?

sovereignty is the magic word

The magic word is sovereignty. The management consultant Dr. Cornelia Topf has recently taken up the question what real sovereignty really is and how to look confident even when you don't feel that way. I have summarized your statements here again in brief:

  1. Arrogance and arrogance seem intimidatingly sovereign to many people, but often only serve to cover up insecurity.
  2. Many people consider themselves sovereign, but it often looks different inside. However, real sovereignty comes from within.
  3. Even in delicate situations, you can shine with a successful appearance.

Confident or bossy?

That other people do not perceive you as assertive and sovereign, but as imperious and arrogant, is only due to our demeanor and inner attitude. I didn't want to believe that at first. But when I thought about it for a long time, I found that many situations in which I was bothered by my behavior are due to a lack of sovereignty.

So I either did not feel taken seriously, insecure, or I was fully convinced that due to negative experiences I was entitled to a certain behavior - another form of insecurity.

Change the behavior of others with simple communicative tricks

Communicative tricks can completely change the behavior of the other person. There are 3 important rules to be followed:

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  1. One of the biggest mistakes in relationships is to convey bad news or disappointments using the foot-in-the-door method, i.e. only with a little bad news, so that it can grow bigger step by step. Start with the horror scenario! That makes your life a lot easier.
  2. In order to get your child to confess to “5” in math, do not threaten TV or PC withdrawal, but pretend understanding: “OK, I did not always give my parents the right grade. Between us, what do you really have? ”
  3. If necessary, you will leave the dock during the boss interview and switch to the coaching staff unexpectedly. Ask questions, feign interest in the big picture. Ask questions such as "What are your plans for next year?", "Where do you see the greatest challenges and priorities?", How can I help you? " Without further ado, you become a colleague!

Rethink your inner attitude: 3 tips

It is indeed necessary to rethink the inner attitude, even if that is difficult. However, I have to admit: Not always and in every situation you get ahead with serenity and being nice. Often enough, it's simply about power.

  1. One should ask: why do we appear weak in certain situations? The answer is often: Because we expect the worst.
  2. Usually you get what you expect. And vice versa: as you give yourself, you will also be treated.
  3. That helps: remember particularly positive circumstances and how you felt about it.

The wiser gives way

Or you have to deal with people whose hops and malt are lost because they simply consider polite manners to be weak. Then you quickly feel like you are in the famous story of the goats on the bridge, who both plunged into the water at the end.

Something like this happens when the positions are so different that no agreement can be reached even with the greatest negotiating skills. Then there is nothing else to do but throw the shotgun into the grain. Because in fact often simply gives way: the smarter one!

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