Dealing with negative emotions in communication: boss killers and other films


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Text comes from: Der Abschied von der Sachlichkeit: Wie Sie mit Emotionen tatsächlich für Bewegung sorgen (2015) from Markus Hornung, published by BusinessVillage Verlag, Reprints by friendly permission of the publisher.
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Let's mentally go to the cinema, to a film in which your Manager is murdered: That creates emotions. Strangling this with “This is just a movie” would be completely wrong. The same goes for emotions in communication. Cinema Movie emotions

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Markus Hornung HornungMarkus Hornung is a consultant and speaker on the subject of emotional intelligence.

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Dealing with the communications of others

In the course of our lives, we have developed the most important to-dos in dealing with the emotions of others and thus created a good basis for these emotions of our conversation partners to fulfill their purpose as communication signals.

So what is it all about? We are generally not used to being appreciative or appreciative of other people's emotions when we encounter them. And the emotions don't suit everyone. And that's why we often resort to killer phrases.

The fat naps of emotional communication

This consideration would not be complete, however, if we did not also turn to dangerous faux pas of emotional communication. Because there are actually typical phrases that you should never use and that are even more problematic than the often misused word “but”.

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It is about a certain kind of killerphrases, which are especially used in situations in which someone else becomes emotional. Because these can make you aware of what you have learned to deal with the emotions of others so far, we will call them emotional killer phrases.

Attention, killerphrase

What a killer phrase is, you know. These are those sentences that people of the purported to experience in their profession - I sometimes call them smart-asses - are always conjured up when it comes to teaching you a lesson.

Some examples are “You are too young for that!”, “You are too old for that!” or an absolute classic that gets all somatic markers going: “We have always done this!”

Emotional killer phrases are fatal

A general killerphrase is thus characterized by the fact that it is intended to cement a certain circumstance as irrefutable, unchangeable or even completely absurd and does not open up the possibility of an exchange or negotiation to the recipient. Emotional killer phrases try the same with other people's emotions and are therefore deadly to deal with their emotions!

Depending on the nature, mood or instant tolerance threshold, sooner or later we use language patterns that subliminally - or rather on a meta level - convey the following message: “I see you. I perceive that you are emotional. I can't cope with that and I would therefore like you to stop having or showing this emotion immediately! ”

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What a heart

Imagine the following situation: There is something for the heart! Titanic! It comes, as it must. The steamer breaks apart, thousands are killed, including our hero Jack, who is played by Leonardo di Caprio and with whom Jack is neither related nor related in our brains.

We look at the last row of chairs in the cinema hall. He is a macho of old school and his companion is something of the horror of all male fans of action movies, a close-up water-borne crypt. The following is the case:

“It's just a movie”

He (thinks): “Sensational special effects! Madness, how did they do it? The Cameron had half a steamer built. And when the thing broke apart earlier, someone crashed from the stern and bounced off the propeller before falling into the sea! Crazy what you can do with computers today! ”

She (sobbing): “My God, that's terrible! And soooo sad! ”

He (with a disapproving side view):

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“Come on honey, don't queue up! It's just a movie! ”

Ladies, have you ever heard of this before? Do you know that? Gentlemen, have you ever said that? And another question: Have you ever experienced the most gracious response to this saying:

She (with sudden knowledge and euphoric voice): “Ha! Correct!! You're right! Hooray, I'm feeling better !! ”

The classic: man-woman communication

No way! It is much more likely that she wonders what kind of guy she has landed in the cinema. Right here, we get a little deeper into the closer look of emotional killer phrases. They forgive me, incidentally, that I have chosen a very stereotypical situation in the field of man-woman communication. All that follows, of course, applies to both sexes.

If you want to use an emotional killer phrase as a woman, all you have to do is go to a classic men's film with your partner, for example a doomsday scenario à la Terminator II, and then when the machines and the last people on earth fight each other Your companion very confidently and dryly, whether the whole film is “a little unrealistic” after all.

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We can not handle the emotions of others

As we said before, we are generally not used to being appreciative or worthy of the emotions of others when we meet them.

Depending on the nature, mood or instant tolerance threshold, sooner or later we use language patterns that subliminally - or rather on a meta level - convey the following message: “I see you. I perceive that you are emotional. I can't cope with that and I would therefore like you to stop having or showing this emotion immediately! ”

Let us make it clear that there is nothing else behind the phrase "It's just a film!"

Why emotional killer phrases?

For this reason, we also call language patterns of this kind emotional killer phrases. Apart from the fact that the film industry turns over billions of dollars a year, precisely because it generates emotions - what the phrase "It's just a film!" already gives a certain absurdity in itself - the sender of such words does not achieve its goal.

No one listens to emotion because of such a request! Simply and simply, because the emotion, at the moment it is shown, is a physical condition, a physiological and neurological fact, a cocktail of neurotransmitters in the limbic system. This cocktail does not really care if someone allows their owner to have that emotion!

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