Mental self-management in everyday life and job: Do not put your light under the bushel

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To be a good colleague or friend to others, I need compassion and empathy, but also clear limits and self-awareness. I need to know who I am, what I want and need. Whoever wants to do it all right here has a problem.

provide light-under-bushel-

Here writes for you:


Tom Diesbrock 84Tom Diesbrock is a psychologist, consultant, team developer and book author.


From the author:




Everybody's Darling - a practical behavioral pattern

Do you know Everybody's Darling? Everybody's darling has a big ear for unspoken requests. Although he knows he is being exploited, he always smiles, says yes to everything and amen, and does not show his anger - which he senses.

And he secretly hopes that someone will notice how much trouble he has given himself and how unfair it is. But he overlooks how practical his behavioral pattern is for all involved.

Smiling always there for others?

His smile and his always good mood make it easy for his boss to let him do it. Finally, everybody's darling also organizes every company party, always brings cakes and provides birthday presents.

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He also acts as a trouble-maker / aunt for anyone who has trouble. Who should want something to change? And who wants to know exactly how unhappy the victim is? He does not want it any different.

The stage of Everybody's Darling: The others

Private, it may be similar. Everybody's darling revolves around the family, the partner, the children, the friends in the bowling club - everyone else is obviously more important than himself. Secretly he feels unseen and neglected, but he does not show his anger and sadness to anyone.

On the I-stage of the Everybody's Darling, the all-all-right maker is the dominant figure. He has probably already learned in his childhood that only the one who is never upbeat and always friendly and always restores his desires is loved.

Whoever can do everything with himself is unsexy

The tragic thing is that while his behavior is determined by his need for affection, affection will scarcely be felt for him.

But on the contrary. Someone who is always nice and obedient and shows no rough edges will find you rather boring. Who lets everything with itself, is unsexy.

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Know what you want

Anyone who understands this and is tired of being Everybody's Darling is faced with a great task. For a long time, people have focused exclusively on what others think and want from one.

To navigate your own compass, you first have to figure out what you think, feel, and desire yourself. And that will probably take some time and a lot of attention.

Shame and self-criticism

Some Everybody's darlings who have recognized their problem, for once, fall into a phase of self-criticism. How could I be so stupid ?!

It is terribly embarrassing, so much to woo the affection of others. So hard to go to court, of course, no one helps. At most, it is unsettling and leads to no longer trusting the path itself.

Identify the reasons of the behavior

It is much smarter than to be ashamed and accused to deal with the roots of his scripts. If you understand which one Sense once justifying everything for yourself and your surroundings, it becomes easier to accept this part of your personality.

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There is no evil intention behind it, but probably the childish attempt to protect oneself against rejection and devaluation.

Do not put your light under the bushel

Above all, those who want to survive in the world of work should give up the stupid habit of putting their light under the bushel and leaving the wheel to others. The motto here:

“You are you and I am me. (...) I do my thing; and you do yours. I am not in this world to meet your expectations. And you are not in this world to fulfill mine.

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German edition: ISBN 9783965964969

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English version: ISBN 9783965964976 (Translation notice)

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  1. HEROL Consulting

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  4. Thomas Eggert

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