Change habits, break patterns: embrace your inner child


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Text comes from: Umarme dein inneres Kind: Wie Sie Schritt Für Schritt Zu Einem Glücklichen Und Selbstbewussten Menschen Werden. Das Ausfüllbuch Zum Selbstcoaching (2017) from Cornelia Schenk, published by Münchener Verlagsgruppe (MVG), Reprints by friendly permission of the publisher.
Copyright:  Images from fotolia by kzenon.

In every life there are painful events from the past that affect our present and future. And mostly they happened to us very early. How can these negative patterns be changed?

Change habits, break patterns: embrace your inner child

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Cornelia Schenk is a consultant.

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The negative patterns from childhood

As children we created an image of ourselves through key emotional experiences. In line with this, we have developed strategies for being loved by parents. We paid for this with the child's pain, which was not allowed to develop according to its nature. These inhibiting experiences are still present in our adult lives. If a situation reminds us of an unresolved conflict from childhood, it emerges in the form of negative thought patterns such as: "I don't belong", "I have to adapt", "I can't do it", "I'm worthless "Or" Nobody loves me ". The pain associated with it can still be so alive in an adult that he does not feel cared for and at home in his life.

But if we want to have a good life, it is time to look at this phenomenon of coming to terms with the past, known under the popular term "inner child," which is attracting great interest. The first step towards this is successful self-coaching. With tried and tested methods and questions, you will get on the track of your inner child. You will learn new things, throw old things overboard, get a desire for change and learn to appreciate the remark of the psychologist CG Jung: "It is the child who brings light into the darkness and carries it around."

The willingness to self-coach

Self-coaching takes time and the willingness to allow new ways of thinking. But also informality. Some questions will likely take longer to answer. Maybe they come from a completely different perspective, or they are different from what you suspected. In any case, don't worry too much about your head. Then put everything aside for the time being and go about your favorite pastime. If you're having a hard time finding answers, don't feel guilty about it. Lines that are left blank are sure to have one Sense.

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Hugging your inner child already indicates the importance of feelings in your work with yourself. It's about grief and emotional work, about what you didn't get in childhood, about what can't be changed, but also about the fact that as an adult you are still stuck in the past. Allow these feelings to happen, otherwise you will continue to feel insecure and stressed in many situations in your life. Without your emotional participation, no self-coaching and therefore no change will succeed. One more important note: if you notice that you are reaching the limits of self-help, please seek professional support. You wouldn't even think of plastering a broken arm yourself.

Introduction to the subject of the inner child

The team leader insults his assistant with a red head in front of the assembled team. There is an embarrassed silence in the room, the assistant doesn't know what to answer. It is clear to Hans that he is putting his reputation as team boss at risk. Things are not going any better in the partnership between Franz and Susi. They just argue. Often they don't even know what the occasion was. You are worn out and resigned, wondering if a divorce would be the solution. These are just two examples that everyone knows from their own experience or was able to observe in others. But what actually happens when adult people let themselves be carried away into words and deeds which they later regret and which they nevertheless often repeat, as if under compulsion? Many then wonder for themselves: It's not me at all, I don't know myself that way. We can better understand these strange derailments if we pay attention to the various parts of our personality, including the inner child. You will encounter the following parts in self-coaching:

1. The inner child - the part that you can discover

With the expression "inner child" psychology connects the sum of all experiences and experiences from our past. It is important to discover this child within you. Because the parts of the younger self (as the trauma therapist Luise Reddemann put it) are and will always be an important part of our lives. Basically, the inner child is our natural self, the core of our being. In terms of brain physiology, it is assigned to the right hemisphere. It stands for our emotional life, our intuition, wisdom, creativity. In contrast to the adult world, our child part represents our inner spaces and our soul life. Sensing, wondering, marveling, fantasizing, dreaming, thinking in pictures - all of this is part of his forms of expression. Experience shows that in our world they are not taken seriously or even given rejection. But they have their own worth when it comes to finding out who we are and where we are going.

2. The injured child - the part that you can heal

It is part of human life that as a child you also had to experience the pain of being hurt. The injured child can, however, have such a strong influence on the adult that the latter only feels like an adult outwardly and according to the years of life. Yet we have the ability to heal childhood injuries and empower the confident adult within us.

3. The divine child - the part that you can give much more leeway

For the psychologist CG Jung, the image of the inner child was an archetype, i.e. an unconscious image of the soul that every person carries within themselves. It not only represents the helpless and abandoned child, but also access to our original selves. For the many positive sides of the inner child such as spontaneity, enthusiasm, amazement, curiosity, liveliness, creativity and also the ability to be completely in the present, CG Jung coined the term »divine child«. If we want to live our lives as an original and not as a copy, we need the energy and creative spark of our divine child. The best thing to do is to familiarize yourself with this attractive part of children right now:

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How to come in contact with the Divine Child: Ask the child in you the following questions:

  • What was your favorite book?
  • What was your favorite movie?
  • What was your favorite fairy tale?
  • Who was your favorite hero?
  • What fantasies did you have?
  • What job did you want to do?
  • What was your favorite thing to do?
  • What are your favorite caregivers?
  • What did you not want to play?
  • What did you think was stupid?
  • What did you avoid

4. The confident adult - the part that you can develop further

How do we imagine this part of us? In a good mood, always with a smile and a funny song on your face, positive mood with a lot of sun in your heart? Such an imagination can be very relaxing and empowering. In reality, the adult is more likely to be located in the left hemisphere. It includes reason, knowledge and rationality. To be an adult means to think, consider, plan, analyze, take precautions and act. Everything revolves mainly around the external and active world. On the other hand there is nothing at all to be said as long as the sphere of activity of the children's world also finds its raison d'etre and both systems stimulate each other. The discussed parts are theoretically to be separated, but in practice they flow together in a dynamic process and are mutually dependent. Therefore they are not mentioned here separately.

Conclusion: self-love makes you happier than self-optimization

As children we are taught a lot. But nurturing self-love is rarely on the educational program. Rather, we learn how to behave so that the parents enjoy us. Every child learns to earn love. After all, it depends on the gleam in the parents' eyes in order to improve its self-worthspiegelt see. Remains that

It shines, looks again and again into strict and reproachful eyes, it is difficult to build a positive relationship with yourself. The fact is: we prefer to take care of others than ourselves. You have to accept that you may not have received as much love from your father and mother as you needed. But whether you can give yourself love in the present is entirely up to you.

As adults, it is easier for us to spend time taking care of others, doing a lot of work, or optimizing ourselves than it is to love ourselves. We often forget what we actually want or need ourselves and say sentences like: "I don't mind", "I don't care", "Do you help me decide", "I can do without". We pride ourselves on so much selflessness and fail to see how little love we have left for ourselves. This learned lovelessness prevents you from becoming happy.

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