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Text comes from the book: “THE VOICE MAKES IT: Convincing, effective, authentic speaking” (2014), published by BusinessVillage Verlag, reprinted with the kind permission of the publisher.

Here writes for you:

Hoffmann-voteGottfried Hoffmann is a communication and speaking expert and teaches at numerous universities. Hoffmann studied school music, phonetics and music theory at the University of Music in Hamburg and completed advanced training in functional singing methodology, integrative voice training, etc. He works as a language and presentation trainer, music teacher, singing teacher and choir director and teaches at the universities of Weimar and Bayreuth, the Hof University, at the Center for University Didactics, Ingolstadt, the Leopold Mozart Center of the University of Augsburg and the DiZ, the center for university didactics in Bavaria as well as in various commercial enterprises.

Control emotions for more happiness: forgive trust let go

Emotions help us to be happy, but they can also make life hell for us. How can we control them and experience more happiness and joy?


The motives behind the plot

Correct handling of emotions is essential for dialog with other people - at work and in private life. The first step: understanding emotions. With yourself and others.

The main question in this context is: Do we know the motives from which someone is acting? When we see the words that come to us alone, we often come to very wrong conclusions and thus reactions.

The situation looks different when we have an understanding of the whole and are able to take into account what motivates others. We see his speech, the tone and the emotional expression of his speech now in a new light, in a larger frame.

Help, a choleric?

What is at issue here is particularly evident in situations where someone reacts to a small incidental remark.

Especially if the emotional life is already in turmoil, the famous last drop is enough to make the barrel overflow. As the Volksmund so aptly said, someone has intentionally or unintentionally hit a so-called sore spot.

Why does someone react quickly?

What's behind it? Why is someone reacting? There are several reasons for this:

  • Perhaps he is a loud, choleric person.
  • He may also have stress, such as success or the like, in his professional environment.
  • Perhaps in his entire life he felt at the moment in a difficult disorganized phase.

An example from management

All this could have caused someone to behave like this. I would like to point this out to a coaching example of a manager:

Regarding these responses, we came across relatively quickly with this client, that his violent reaction must be related to something that is within him, activated by the action of the employee and triggering violent emotional reactions.

Understanding of one's own feelings = understanding of others

This, the manager said, is the old fear of a three-year-old's arguments and conflicts. And now comes the surprising thing: After understanding his own reaction, he was no longer trapped in it.

He could now see that this employee did not mean him with his actions. He was now open to the information that this employee was acting like this to others.

The realization: He does not mean me

My client had found a new position by understanding himself and the other's way of acting and was now able to deal with this employee relatively relaxed.

To forgive is generally perceived as an even more difficult task than the application of understanding. The following applies: Only if we forgive, we can get rid of a person or a situation.

To forgive means to let go

Conversely, if we do not forgive, we stay in touch. And that inhibits us in our feelings, thoughts and actions.

Does this sound categorical and perhaps incomprehensible at first? Let me explain.

Forgive in everyday life

Let us look at the situation in our everyday life: Do you also know that you are very annoying about driving errors of others and loudly cursing. Can you forgive the person?

If the forgiveness succeeds me, I continue afterwards much more relaxed and the event quickly disappeared from my head or my emotional life.

Make room for other things

And I can turn back to other and more important things. Otherwise I might come to work and rant about this brazen car driver.

I would then infect my environment with my negative thoughts and not be free for the challenges that lie ahead. Who does not know, hand on heart, similar situations with oneself?

The big challenge: forgive oneself

A real challenge, however, is to forgive oneself. Let us consider some aspects of the example of one of my clients named Constantine.

He has made a difference in his job and therefore expects, for example, an appreciation of his surroundings. Instead, he will be out of the Company away. What could Constantine forgive himself for? The others were the ones ...

Way with expectation

Constantine could forgive himself that he had created a certain part of the ultimate confrontation, or had committed himself to it.

Perhaps this share was not very large, for example the expectation that his achievements would be appreciated. It is possible that this expectation pressure has made him unfair to be able to conduct his affairs properly and to take due account of the interests of the larger structure in which he was active.

Move the layers

The act of forgiveness itself, therefore, would be that Constantine is standing (understanding for himself), to have acted out of such an expectation. He could forgive himself.

Another aspect could be a shift of the argument from the material level to a level of right-to-be willingness. This too Constantine could forgive himself. It would thereby loosen the permanent inner connection to the many years past situation considerably, perhaps even can.

Forgiveness will not be idle

You might argue that the forgiveness makes us idle, makes us into the game of the others. But this is not meant in body. It's about something different. It's about reacting to situations that respond appropriately but are not driven by your anger or your hatred.

They are able to look at the situation from the position of the eagle hovering over it and to keep all the important factors in view. To react appropriately in a way that clarifies the situation, possibly solves it, and above all does not escalate further (unless you want it so). Positive developments in the future are most likely to be achieved in this way.


Forgiveness is one of the essential steps to get rid of people and / or situations.

In doing so, one forgives both the other person or group as well as himself. The latter is the greater challenge that our sovereignty demands - and promotes.

Books on the topic

3 responses to "Controlling emotions for more happiness: forgiving trust letting go"

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