From the author:
Intelligence in the subconscious
Our subconscious mind is more intelligent than consciousness. He seems to know that misunderstandings are a normal phenomenon in communication.
Therefore, it will not be happy until he gets the feedback, that his message, his emotion, was also understood as he sent it.
The important message at this point: The same is true when dealing with the emotions of others! For our brains there is no self-evident!
Just when we are so heavy in the direct response of emotions and like to think, "Why should I address something that everyone can see?", We should just be aware that the subconscious mind can not recognize what we think , We have to tell him. We always have to tell him, "Hello, I understood exactly what you sent."
Why people do not come down!
That's exactly how emotions work. That's why people who get upset about something animal just do not come down when they get a fuzzy "I understand you" as their only response. So let's say
What I am describing to you here, I tell my participants in each seminar, when it comes to recognizing the emotions of others. In addition, at the beginning of our training sessions, I give them the tip to deliberately omit the "buts" when emotionally sending or acknowledging the emotions of others.
Leave the "but" away
Easy? As if that was so easy! We humans are habitual animals and nothing is more difficult for us than habits or even behavioral automatisms. I felt it, when I experienced this years ago for the first time, not a bit different! Most participants notice this "but", which they speak almost reflexively, only when the group is clearly a bit restless.
Of course, those who are not on stage hear much more carefully and notice the "but" very well. In the next step, the participants then try to actually omit the word, but now and then fall into a kind of shock, because its use is so automated that they simply do not know how to proceed without.
Please praise not relativize!
With a little creativity, they then resort to "however," "being" or "nonetheless," and even now, as they speak, realize that they are also relative or adversative conjunctions.
So words that have exactly the same disastrous effect as the "but". If I help them with the tip instead of saying "and" a little bit, then something like "honey, I can understand well that you are angry and yet we must talk to each other!"
Language is used without reflection
At this point, both the trainer and the participant normally need a break and a sip of water! Is it not incredible how automated and unreflected we use language and do not notice what we do with it?
By the way: If you want to actually illuminate or relativize what you said - no matter what it was - you must, of course, use the "but" of course! It is only counterproductive when it comes to expressing and recognizing emotions.
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