Help, a communication gradient
Mrs. Beermann came to me, because she found the working relationship with her longtime supervisor very problematic and stressful and wanted to find out for herself whether she was in Company stay or rather quit.
When we began to analyze the communication between Mrs Beermann and her superiors, I noticed that there seemed to be a considerable difference between the two.
Reacting like a toddler?
Ms Beermann described the communication style of her superiors as arrogant and effeminate. At the same time, their reaction seemed to me to be like a child's.
And these childish responses - from my perception - were presented in two different versions.
Between defensive and anger
Depending on the context and the current form of the two women, Ms. Beermann took either the position of a defensive or the position of an aggressive child.
In the one part, she felt herself helpless, helpless, and totally overwhelmed, in the other she could hardly restrain the anger, and in an extreme case also become insulting and unsuitable.
When adults return to childhood
Both strategies seemed rather unfavorable for the working world - to put it mildly. It was not until Mrs. Beermann became aware that the problem might not have been with her superiors, but with her own, less adult reactions, that the way was clear for decisive change.
Perhaps you also know situations in which adult human beings return to their own childhood within a very short period of time.
From child-I to adult-I
Just like with Ms. Beermann and her superiors. The two had established a sophisticated communication game between them. Whenever the manager said something to Ms. Beermann that she perceived as communication from the “parent I”, she completed the game by taking on the role of the “child I”.
Who started the game was subordinate, because when Ms. Beermann learned to communicate with her manager instead of a “child” from an “adult”, the working relationship improved significantly.
This is how beliefs come about: Beware of the hot stove!
Children learn primarily from their parents and the immediate family environment. After that, kindergarten, teachers and classmates at school, friends, people in sports clubs ... and ... and ... and shape. The initial impact of the parents' worldview is particularly important.
"Careful, don't touch it, the stove is hot!" is intended to prevent the young child from having a painful experience. The phrase “When you cross the street, you have to look left, then right and left again” helps you to cross the street safely.
Parents decide in the first years of a child what is right or wrong, which is good or evil. They describe how things have to be done and how not. They determine what children have to do and what they can not and what not.
When children take the presets
And the child takes up this mental framework to find his way around the world of the big ones. The faster it adopts the rules and requirements of the parents, the faster the parents can be convinced that the child can now act independently in the world, it has indeed taken over the parental requirements.
Unfortunately, not all the rules, rules and hints of the parents support the children in their development, however well they may be meant.
Beliefs arise early
Beliefs can arise at any time in our life. And the foundations for this are usually laid very early on. If a child, in his childlike logic, not only forms convictions from what has been experienced and heard in each case, which support him in his development, the ideal basis for the emergence of a hustle and bustle is present.
Out of a mixture of limiting beliefs, limiting values, and unfavorable strategies, a sabotage program that can be very affectionate is disrupted in this way and evolves into adulthood.
I am not good enough?
What happens to the child if, when the teams are split up, they are always one of the last remaining? The probability is high that it will derive its own inner conviction from what has been experienced, which has to do with the selection process and its own interpretation.
Of course, one can only assume that. But this conviction could be, for example, that one is usually not good enough for the team captains in the course of the selection process. This may be uncomfortable, but it is probably fairly close to the facts. Unfortunately, however, we humans tend to derive an inner conviction from what we have experienced, which hides important details and generalizes something that is not true at all.
Generalization and hiding details
Sometimes this generalization and fading out of details does not take place immediately, but only develops over the years. In the beginning there is the initial belief that in physical education they are not good enough for the team.
Over the years, it can consolidate the belief that you will never be good enough for others. A conviction that can be extremely hindering for both little and big people in life.
Through perception filter to the haybog
Whoever believes in himself to be never good enough for others has a perception filter that examines life for situations which seem to confirm this obstinate conviction.
In addition, a separate strategy is implemented, which aims to avoid situations that could call this belief into question. This is how the creatures like the dwarf-maker, the dark-eye, the hay-buoy or the printmaker are born.
Put questionable strategies in a suitcase?
Would it not be practical to put all limiting inner convictions, questionable values and unfavorable childhood and youth strategies into a suitcase as you enter the adult world and stow it in the basement, if at all, in one of the farthest corners?
Unfortunately, this does not work, perhaps because we have the old beliefs, values and strategies internally so hard wired.
Suddenly again child
Some people seem to be so attached to the inner impressions of their own childhood that little is needed to catapult them back to childhood in terms of behavior.
All they need is a situation where the (actually childish) strategy fits like a key to the castle. And - hey presto - the door is open, the scrape comes to the fore - and they freak out.
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German edition: ISBN 9783965964907
English version: ISBN 9783965964914 (Translation notice)
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