Who wants to provide harmony is burned
When Vera contacted me, she just wanted a psychological counseling to solve the family conflict. In doing so, she had been forced into similar helper roles of friends and colleagues more often.
Her impulse to have harmony at all costs showed that her self-management did not work in such a situation. With the consequence, to be used against one's own will and without worrying about one's own well-being.
Someone hell-bent on creating harmony has the best chance of being crushed and burned. And whether he really is thanked for his help, is another matter.
"I do everything for the store"
"I really do everything for the store, I'm the first in the morning and usually turn off the lights in the evening. But do you think that's my thanks? Everyone just downloads their work from me. "Can you just ...?" I hear constantly. I really do not want to leave my office anymore. Because I'm guaranteed to be approached at the door of someone who wants something from me. "
"And then you do what you ask of you?"
(softly) "Mostly already. That's not so good, right? But what should I do? Everyone is nice to me and I do not want to offend anyone. "
"You mean you would offend your colleagues, even if you say no?"
"Well, they only know me like that. What would you think if I was suddenly bitchy and just thinking of myself? "
"It would be selfish if I refused to help others, right?"
"I think your point of view is pretty black and white. So far, say, you will like everything. And the alternative would be to help no one else? Is not there perhaps a middle ground? "
"But then I would have to say no more often. And I can not do that at all! I never could. Or actually tell someone in the face that I do not feel like doing his job? Oh God!"
"Just the thought makes you really stress?"
"Oh yes, I notice that I'm blushing." (Softly) "... And I do not want any Warning for refusal to work. Nowhere else can I find a job at my age. "
What would happen if ...?
"Do you really think you could be warned if you were not quite so docile?"
"Well, it could be." (Silent for a while) "No, probably not. My boss knows for sure what he has on me. He praises me again and again for my commitment. Mostly, to immediately post something like: 'Can you look through these documents as soon as possible?' "
"What do you want to change?"
"It would be good if I do not always say Yes and Amen to everything so quickly. Someone once gave me the tip to answer more often:> I just do not have a clear mind. I think about it and come back to you later. <"
"That would not be a bad answer, would it?"
"And I could also say:> Unfortunately I can not do that at the moment. <"
The desire to be liked
"Oh no, I'm just not like that. I can not do that. I'm just an 'Everybody's Darling'. I want everyone to like me, and I do everything for it. "
"And you mean you can not change that?"
(very softly) "Maybe. I do not know how. "(Louder)" Oh no, you know how my self-confidence is. I would prefer if you talk to my colleagues and the boss and ask them not to overflow me with work ... "(sighs deeply)" But that's not even possible. I'm just to blame myself. I am a coward. And totally avid of conflict. You just can not do anything ... "
Vera was obviously on the hook for her helper syndrome. After we realized that, she decided to stay out of the game and stop playing the game.
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