Who wants to provide harmony is burned
When Vera contacted me, she just wanted a psychological counseling to solve the family conflict. In doing so, she had been forced into similar helper roles of friends and colleagues more often.
Her impulse to have harmony at all costs showed that her self-management did not work in such a situation. With the consequence, to be used against one's own will and without worrying about one's own well-being.
Someone hell-bent on creating harmony has the best chance of being crushed and burned. And whether he really is thanked for his help, is another matter.
"I do everything for the store"
"I really do everything for the store, I'm the first one in the morning and usually turn off the lights in the evening, but do you think that's my thanks? Everyone just unloads their work with me.> Can you just ... "I keep listening, I do not want to leave my office because I'm sure I'll be approached at the door by someone who wants something from me."
"And then you do what you are asked to do?"
(softly) "Mostly, that's not so good, right? But what am I supposed to do, everybody's nice to me, and I do not want to offend anyone."
"You mean you would offend your colleagues, even if you say no?"
"Well, they only know me like that, what would you think if I was suddenly bitchy and just thinking of myself?"
"It would be selfish if I refuse to help others, right?"
"I think your point of view is pretty black and white so far, you say, you'll like it all, and the alternative is to not help anyone, is not there a middle ground?"
"But then I would have to say no more often, and I can not do that at all, could I never, or actually tell someone in the face that I do not feel like joining in?" Oh God! "
"Just the thought makes you really stress?"
"Oh yes, I realize I'm blushing." (softly) "... and I do not want any Warning for refusal to work. Nowhere else can I find a job at my age. "
What would happen if ...?
"Do you really think you could be warned if you were not quite as docile?"
"Well, it could be." (silent for a while) "No, I guess not, my boss knows for sure what he has on me, he praises me over and over again for my efforts, most of the time to push something like this:> Can you possibly as soon as possible look through these documents? <"
"What do you want to change?"
"It would be nice if I do not always say Yes and Amen to everything so quickly, someone once told me to answer more often:> I just do not have a clear mind, I think about it and I'll come back to you later . < "
"That would not be a bad answer, would it?"
"And I could also say:> Unfortunately I can not do that at the moment. <"
The desire to be liked
"Oh no, I'm just not like that, I can not do that, I'm just an 'Everybody's Darling', I want everyone to like me, and I do everything for it."
"And you mean you can not change that?"
(softly) "Maybe, I do not know how." (louder) "Oh no, you know how my self-esteem stands, and I would prefer that you talk to my colleagues and the boss and ask them to stop overcrowding me with work ..." ( (sighs deeply) "But that's not possible either, I'm just to blame myself, I'm a coward and totally avaricious, because you can not do anything ..."
Vera was obviously on the hook for her helper syndrome. After we realized that, she decided to stay out of the game and stop playing the game.
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