The poisoned compliment
"Well, I found your comments very interesting," notes a colleague after you've finished your report. "Your suggestions are not feasible, but really original. And what I also missed was a certain order of your thoughts.
It was all confused, I could hardly follow you. But you have well worded. "Such erratic statements are unpleasant, one does not know what to say. And that is often the intention of the "poisoned" compliment. You're supposed to be complimented so you do not realize you're being attacked.
Fear of open criticism
In everyday professional life such "poisoned compliments" occur quite often. The reason: Your interlocutor does not dare to openly criticize you - but what he actually wants. Therefore, he builds in his praise a more or less hidden barb. But why this camouflage? There are two different reasons for this:
- The other will not hurt you at any price. Just executives shy away from open words, because they think they would first have to praise hard when they want to criticize. A following error.
- The other wants to put you down. He may be afraid of you as a competitor, or you are simply uncomfortable with him. Of course, he can not admit both of these things, so he pretends to be very good with you.
If all the mendacious praise
In some Company has become a fatal Harmiesucht natural. You will find everything right and great, what is "done". Criticism is something negative that discourages others. So first of all "build" people with praise before you can start telling yourself what you really think about their performance: nothing.
This mendacity has serious consequences. It is less and less possible to actually praise and actually practice constructive criticism. Because everyone wonders: What does the boss really mean when he says, "We have a great year behind us. All have done first-class work without exception. For that, I sincerely wanted to thank you. "- Is everything really well or is there a colossal wave of redundancies?
You have to figure out what your counterpart really means. There are two ways to do this: the demand ("What do you mean?") Or the interpreting technique, which you will soon get to know. Incidentally, you should make the other person understand that you value an honest objection more than a false praise.
This is the real domain of the "poisoned compliment": actually, someone wants to say something mean to you, to belittle you, to blacken you. But if it were done openly, you could fight back or others take sides for you. Then your interlocutor looks bad.
So he sends a compliment - as a false track, so to speak, so that everyone thinks he is on your side. Besides, the compliment in the group is, so to speak, his ripcord. If the thing with the "poison" does not work so well and the deciding people are on your side, then he can back off on the compliment.
"Great for your circumstances"
Compliments are also particularly perfidious, which are provided with the addition: "for your circumstances" or "for you". A wonderful lecture - for your circumstances. Objectively the thing was terrible, but since you are completely incompetent, a terrible lecture "for your circumstances" is still wonderful.
There is a simple way of countering: you call your name's demeaning. You should calm the matter a little bit. You will learn more about the "interpreter technique" under the keyword "the poison tongue". Here only so much:
If you have revealed the allegation, you should ask another question to clear up any ambiguity: "Did you mean to say that? Did I understand you correctly? "You can be sure that your conversation partner has not without reason packaged his poison in a sweet compliment. As a rule, he will give small. Or he is openly criticizing. But then everyone knows what they are about.
"I was not bored at all"
"A great lecture, I was not bored at all. At least the last few minutes. "-" Great, so you think I'm such a bore, that it's a top performance for you if you doze off in the last ten minutes? Did I understand that correctly? "-" No, I really liked it. But it is true that all lectures have a hangover at some point. Anyway, that's how I feel. "
Of course, the "poisoned compliment" is occasionally used ironically or even maliciously. But how you deal with malice will occupy us in a later chapter.
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